My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
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[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
wut hotdog?
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.