If my life is going to continually be this much of a disaster, I’m gonna need the Rock to make an appearance at some point.
My family has really been struggling financially lately.
Could someone please help us with our monthly budget?
Car Payment: $381
School Loans: $393
Swear Jar: $5,347
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[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”