My family has really been struggling financially lately.
Could someone please help us with our monthly budget?

Rent: $1,200
Car Payment: $381
School Loans: $393
Swear Jar: $5,347

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If my life is going to continually be this much of a disaster, I’m gonna need the Rock to make an appearance at some point.


[planning robbery]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect


Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”


Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.


My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.


I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”