My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
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5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Life hack
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British