My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
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It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Do not levitate over flowers
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.