My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
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“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]