My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
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(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
SPLOOT
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
All set.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.