*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
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Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
a lot to unpack here
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof