Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
My family is starting to catch on to my “I died” excuse.
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I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Your ex asking if you can still be friends is like kidnappers saying “keep in touch” after they let you go.
that show “Intervention” should just be called “Haters”
If you need anything done now do it yourself, if you want it done right call a pro and if you don’t care if it ever gets done, ask your kid.
You look like a snack:
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises
You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side.