WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
WIFE: 3½ kilos
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
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ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I see your choices and raise you one eyebrow.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
“I’m going to live with you guys forever”
My five year old threatened
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
England doesn’t have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow