@heatherlou_

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

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@TeaAndCopy

WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

@TheDeducers

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

@AudreyPorne

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

@Pork_Chop_Hair

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

@Phook75

“I’m going to live with you guys forever”

My five year old threatened

@_mcgoof

Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”

@BinyominS

Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow