@heatherlou_: My family keeps bringing up my felony like I'm afraid to commit another one.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@shutupmikeginn: I'm scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I'll run them under cold water for half a second
@TheTweetOfGod: Time is money. Money talks. So time talks. But talk is cheap. So time is cheap. But time is money. So money is cheap. Which it's not.
@LizHackett: A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.