My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

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WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
WIFE: 3½ kilos
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool


ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.


Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage


hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim


(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!


Me: … Well this is embarrassing


“I’m going to live with you guys forever”

My five year old threatened


Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”


Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow