My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
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My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
The honesty is refreshing
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ