Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
God: nobody knows
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
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A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Attractive people, have the decency to leave news and comedy to the rest of us.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
How to sports:
– Take a ball
– Put it someplace someone else doesn’t want you to put it
– Congratulations you’ve now sportsed
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.