My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
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My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone