My family leaves lights on that I didn’t even know we had.

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Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There’s like 10 women to each man and they’re already there looking for things they don’t need.


My phone changed “you wanna hang” to “you wanna bang”

and send……..


[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”


Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.


Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.


8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*


[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls


who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?


I dip my pizza sticks in softened butter, so no Janet, I’m not too sure how many calories are in this milkshake.


Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.