@TheMichaelRock

My family leaves lights on that I didn’t even know we had.

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@Exkarma

Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There’s like 10 women to each man and they’re already there looking for things they don’t need.

@envydatropic

My phone changed “you wanna hang” to “you wanna bang”

and send……..

@EndhooS

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

@JohnLyonTweets

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

@joshgondelman

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

@AimeeHelene1

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*

@KWalps

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

@perlhack

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

@TamiDaBushPilot

I dip my pizza sticks in softened butter, so no Janet, I’m not too sure how many calories are in this milkshake.

@mydanimarie

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.