@MartaEffing
Decorating my xmas tree after a bottle of wine. Mixed up a box of candy canes with a box of tampons. Tree looks weird and I feel minty.
@sugarwits
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
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@MartaEffing
@sliver_of
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
@SortaBad
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
@NarisaTrammell
When I google “at home remedies,” do not tell me to boil a ginger root like I keep a pantry full of ginger roots. I’m talking how can I fix this with some mustard, Coors Light and a gallon-size jar of pickles.
@Tmoney68
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
@thesulk
Of course this is the year I bring my famous Romaine pie to my in-laws.
@robin_991
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
@darinlovesbacon
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
@hythemafia
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
@djdarrellripley
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…