My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.

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Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!


I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying


I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.


Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.


Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.


[as the bride enters the church and heads down the aisle]


*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*


Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.