My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
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What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.