Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
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I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
i get ignored so much
my name should be terms and conditions
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
[as the bride enters the church and heads down the aisle]
ME: *clapping* BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.