My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
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I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Quadruple digit IQ
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops