My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
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The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking