My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
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shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.