My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
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Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
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I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Dune (2021)
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…