@sarcasticmommy4

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

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@Robert_Beau

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

@stephenjmolloy

Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”

@Fickle_Filly

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

@ArfMeasures

Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*

2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead

Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him

@KeetPotato

[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”

@ClichedOut

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

@Prero22

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

@DrCephalopod

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

@skitzoette

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.