My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
You Might Also Like
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Can. I. Help. You.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?