I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
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Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Haters gonna hate, alligators gonna alligate
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.