Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
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me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
😂💯
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
BRO LMFAO
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’