My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
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My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
My god she’s good.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”