My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
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[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.