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@daemonic3

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

@3sunzzz

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.

@beccafacexo

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

@roxiqt

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

@AynRandy

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

@rickkondell

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

@ItsSamG

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

@Diversion50

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

@Ygrene

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

@mzeld

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.