*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
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This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Terribly Tuesday.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…