[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
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Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.