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[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway


Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.


HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car


I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.


this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route


I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.


PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.


“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.


Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger


I’m on hold. My call is important to them.