My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
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I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies