@ericsshadow

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

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@AndrewProTV

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

@jessokfine

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

@darksidedeb

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

@Dpressedspartan

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Bob: Who is that?
Me:That’s Ted, he’s the opposite of a hypochondriac..
Ted’s arm falls off
Ted: Hey guys!
Bob: Holy shit!
Ted: What, I’m ok

@PrettyNBoots

Deactivated my FB. Before the final “submit”, they show you pictures of “friends” that says “These people will miss you”. Best laugh ever.

@NikatNiteNite

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

@ryaninco

According to my cholesterol level I’m a pizza.

@UnfilteredMama

Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.

@bornmiserable

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac