I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
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[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Bob: Who is that?
Me:That’s Ted, he’s the opposite of a hypochondriac..
Ted’s arm falls off
Ted: Hey guys!
Bob: Holy shit!
Ted: What, I’m ok
Deactivated my FB. Before the final “submit”, they show you pictures of “friends” that says “These people will miss you”. Best laugh ever.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
According to my cholesterol level I’m a pizza.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac