my father died in a conga line and so shall i
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Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL