my father died in a conga line and so shall i
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Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
#dnd #ttrpg
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
operators are standing by to ignore your call