@MNateShyamalan

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

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@BonaFideIntent

Me: LARGE FRY!

McDonald’s Manager: Ma’am, you can’t use the drive-thru riding a stick pony. Please leave NOW

Me: I WILL CUT YOU!

*sirens*

@sageboggs

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

@bazlyons

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

@Q_the_Cat

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

@J0hnnyBlaze

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

@AndrewChamings

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?

@RunOldMan

Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.