my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 馃檪
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i鈥檒l leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
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We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they鈥檒l probably go bad.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I am determined to save money. I don鈥檛 care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don鈥檛 need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Me: I can鈥檛 sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I almost walked out of the dentist鈥檚 office without putting my pants back on.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.