my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

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McDonald’s Manager: Ma’am, you can’t use the drive-thru riding a stick pony. Please leave NOW




Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business


‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.


Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works


My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.


Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious


(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
angel: you ok pal?


Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.