My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
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Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
is this a threat
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams