@JeanHallow

My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.

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@TheBoydP

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

@lasergirl70

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

@UncleDuke1969

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

@Mr_Kapowski

Guarantees in life

1. Death

2. A waitress will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill

@Tmoney68

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

@BuckyIsotope

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

@GibJimson

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

@tsm560

I’m running on two hours sleep. I can start a fight with air right now.

@NicestHippo

“I just love making people laugh” – me, explaining why I do sex