My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
You Might Also Like
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away