Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
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JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
#Caturday
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy