@_xLNc

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

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@Boba_Photo

She has a coy pond. All the pretty fish swim away when you try to feed them.

@sf14

Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”

@cbdoubleu

[Going through rubble after a house fire]

Her [holding photo albums]: Totally ruined.

Me [holding slices of bread]: Pretty much toast.

@markleggett

I often think “Why would anyone live in Gotham? It’s a shithole!”, but then you choose to live in the shithole that is [YOUR CITY NAME].

@dafloydsta

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

@Home_Halfway

JUDGE: Has the jury reached the verdict?

T-REX JURY: Um, we’re unable reach anything Your Honor

@3sunzzz

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.