My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
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Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles