She has a coy pond. All the pretty fish swim away when you try to feed them.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
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Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
[Going through rubble after a house fire]
Her [holding photo albums]: Totally ruined.
Me [holding slices of bread]: Pretty much toast.
I often think “Why would anyone live in Gotham? It’s a shithole!”, but then you choose to live in the shithole that is [YOUR CITY NAME].
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
JUDGE: Has the jury reached the verdict?
T-REX JURY: Um, we’re unable reach anything Your Honor
Some collage just called me saying they accepted me to their collage..
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.