My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
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Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
the clam before the storm
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I think something went wrong here?!🤔