My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
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Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house