My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
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Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.