Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
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Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end