JUDGE: your word is taco
ME: four please
JUDGE: we’re not-
ME: with chips
ME: *lips on mic* extra guac
My fav sci-fi this year is the Bank of America ad where the 30 year old dude with a new baby has $56k in his checking account.
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If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Wife: we need to improve our home
Wife: remodeling the kitchen should be top priority
Me: [crosses out “get more dogs”] obviously
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
A Couple of underscores is to a couple of underscores? Ok. RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.