@brockwilbur

My fav sci-fi this year is the Bank of America ad where the 30 year old dude with a new baby has $56k in his checking account.

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@notacroc

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is taco

ME: four please

JUDGE: we’re not-

ME: with chips

JUDGE: ordering

ME: *lips on mic* extra guac

@slimmy_shady

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

@Cheeseboy22

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

@LaziestCanine

Wife: we need to improve our home
Me: agreed
Wife: remodeling the kitchen should be top priority
Me: [crosses out “get more dogs”] obviously

@KevinHart4real

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

@AntoKenya

A Couple of underscores is to a couple of underscores? Ok. RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

@BellPupper

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

@InternetHippo

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

@scott_towel

When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.