My fav sci-fi this year is the Bank of America ad where the 30 year old dude with a new baby has $56k in his checking account.

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[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is taco

ME: four please

JUDGE: we’re not-

ME: with chips

JUDGE: ordering

ME: *lips on mic* extra guac


If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?


If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.


Wife: we need to improve our home
Me: agreed
Wife: remodeling the kitchen should be top priority
Me: [crosses out “get more dogs”] obviously


Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant


A Couple of underscores is to a couple of underscores? Ok. RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.


ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?


It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft


When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.