A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
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It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
From my Mom