@ObscureGent

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

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@HatfieldAnne

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

@rev_revolver

once a woman in the mall said “isn’t everything cuter with babies?!” and jeff replied “not coffins” and just stared at her until she cried

@DelilahSDawson

exec: So what do we think women want in fashion?
women: Pocke–
exec: Cold shoulder tops in pastels. Got it.
women: Pock–
exec: Clothes with pre-made holes in delicate fabrics.
women: Po–
exec: Cut-outs in flabby areas. Good.
women: POCKET–
exec: Shapes that require new bras!

@aksorojas

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

@Shen_the_Bird

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

@Cpin42

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

@eeethanford

Son have I told you about the birds & the bees?

Dad you’re an ornithologist & moms an entomologist it’s literally all you guys talk about

@kumailn

If Watergate happened today it would be called Watergategate.

@jonnysun

imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”