I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
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once a woman in the mall said “isn’t everything cuter with babies?!” and jeff replied “not coffins” and just stared at her until she cried
exec: So what do we think women want in fashion?
exec: Cold shoulder tops in pastels. Got it.
exec: Clothes with pre-made holes in delicate fabrics.
exec: Cut-outs in flabby areas. Good.
exec: Shapes that require new bras!
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Son have I told you about the birds & the bees?
Dad you’re an ornithologist & moms an entomologist it’s literally all you guys talk about
If Watergate happened today it would be called Watergategate.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”