My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
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I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”