me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
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Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
A Louisiana millionaire has admitted to plotting his estranged wife’s kidnapping, a bizarre plan that went desperately off the rails when the two men he hired to abduct her drowned during a foot chase with police …
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Thug: *shows tattoos of tear drops* So I remember each person I’ve killed.
Me:*shows tattoo of an oven* So I remember to turn off the oven.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
So you’re all Obama fans now? Name 3 of his albums.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.