@bransonreese

My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”

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@CrisMtzgr

People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.

@sarcasticmommy4

How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:

Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!

@ambamthankyamam

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

@DrakeGatsby

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

@Ms_Moneypenny_

The 1st to apologize is the bravest. The 1st to forgive, the strongest. The 1st to forget, the happiest.nnThe first to kill the other, WINS.

@samalmightysam

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@BuckyIsotope

Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.

@KatieBurnett

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

@WigCannon

What if the missing plane is still up there?
“What?”
Did you check the sky?
“No.”
See, this is why you’ll never advance, Kevin.