She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
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Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”
[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.