My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
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People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Pikachu found the lost joint
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart