@VocabuLarry

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

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@dafloydsta

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

@IvoryGazelle

Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet

Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood

@JohnHilsen

It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.

@FredTaming

scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?

other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?

scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours

@AudreyPorne

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”

@CAshmanActor

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

@weinerdog4life

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

@thatdutchperson

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

@KeetPotato

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

@xLiserx

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.