You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
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Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.