My favorite Bible story is when Jesus feeds the multitudes after administering a drug test to make sure they deserve food.

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Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots

Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary


I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.


Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”


Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?


It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.


The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.


No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.


I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.


If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left


Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?