@JohnFugelsang

My favorite Bible story is when Jesus feeds the multitudes after administering a drug test to make sure they deserve food.

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@Browtweaten

Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots

Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary

@TheDeadfishSays

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

@CalmTomb

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

@jimmytorosian

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

@Robert_Beau

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

@ddsmidt

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.

@E_lok44

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

@that1bish27

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

@ABKool

If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left

@Darlainky

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?