Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
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Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.