My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
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If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.