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I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.