My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
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health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.