My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
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DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
How dramatic are you?
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Google reviews are always so mixed..
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand