My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
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Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
worst…sale…ever
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!