my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
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I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th