-Octopus preparing for a fight
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
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Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Whenever I meet a guy named Paul, I ask if it’s short for Paula, then I laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & making friends is hard. 🙁
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*takes a nap*
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
When Obama declared war on Ebola, an executive producer at Fox News tried to find it on google maps.