my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism

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-Octopus preparing for a fight


My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”


Whenever I meet a guy named Paul, I ask if it’s short for Paula, then I laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & making friends is hard. 🙁


2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.


People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.


*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*


me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.

guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?


Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.


When Obama declared war on Ebola, an executive producer at Fox News tried to find it on google maps.