My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.

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*Lowers thermostat*
*Dad puts it back*
*Lowers thermostat again*
*Dad puts it back again*

The real Cold War


There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.


A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?


My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.


If you don’t want to be there today, just say “I’m just here for the food and hopefully some good commercials. Also congrats on the wedding”


I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.


Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.


I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.


ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*


Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.