Stubhub wants a bailout? Tell them we’ll give them 2 million but after fees it will only be $10.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
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I love when people say “If people hate you, it only means you’re doing something right.” Because that’s what Hitler would say.
I just put BOTH my legs into one pajama pant leg…making me a MERMAID!
me: *sends friend a message at 2 am*
me: woah woah there wtf are you doing up go to sleep this isn’t healthy for u
we just got new auto insurance and my mom was supposed to text our agent pictures of her car:
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here
[earlier that morning]
ME: *trying to get up for work*
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people