@_SetTheHook_

My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.

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@Devoguido

Stubhub wants a bailout? Tell them we’ll give them 2 million but after fees it will only be $10.

@NotGaryBusey

I love when people say “If people hate you, it only means you’re doing something right.” Because that’s what Hitler would say.

@juice3wavy

me: *sends friend a message at 2 am*

friend: *responds*

me: woah woah there wtf are you doing up go to sleep this isn’t healthy for u

@personontheweb

we just got new auto insurance and my mom was supposed to text our agent pictures of her car:

@PinkCamoTO

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

@NicestHippo

DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here
[earlier that morning]
ME: *trying to get up for work*

@LucyLouMcB

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

@mzeld

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

@MrEd_EVH

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people