My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
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Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor