Raisins are grape jerky.
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LA today:
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.