My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
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It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
😏😏😏
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.