If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
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No, I don’t think I will.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.